Lately, I've been struggling and reveling in the ups and downs of applying to graduate programs. Am I good enough? Is it even worth it? Why am I so stressed about it? Why do I want this so badly? Do I want it too badly? Not enough? IT is wild up in that brain space. I find solace in taking time to just be in my studio and create new things. That's a huge shoulder releasing activity (though my brain gets to exercise thinking about all kinds of otherrr things...)
The point is, I have to keep pushing through all this bullshit I present myself with. Constantly remind myself I am only human. Constantly give myself little pats on the back forward, tell myself I'm doing just fine, and knowing truly whatever outcome comes out, I will be proud of myself and exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. There's no path to reflection but to move through life so I can come back and reflect on things later. Lord knows I will.
I've started eating cereal lately. I like working for myself as an artist in their studio. Scheduling all kinds of things into my own schedule. Fitting the puzzle pieces of exhibiting, traveling, making new, spending the time, meeting deadlines... without the hinderance of my day job. Which has beneficially provided me with some kind of stability in pay and full time job security and holy smokes some amazing people as my communities! over the past four years as I've moved around... but more and more I'm just ready to move on.
Do I deserve the life I want? Is it even possible to attain? Duh. Yes, of course! are the answers I wish I could tell myself everyday. The reality is not quite so (and I'm an optimist!!) But one day at a time, we hope to feel worthy and focus on what feels right, so we can focus beyond ourselves on the larger picture.
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